Why Do Nordic Skiers Nordic Ski?

–Jennifer, Leavenworth, WA

Asked by women everywhere, Jen. It would seem there is no comeback, deep eye roll, snide remark, nor passive-aggressive action that will shut this down. Being annoyed by the Boys Club and their catchphrases just fuels their fire and gives them liberty to blow more smoke up each other’s asses. Ever see a toddler fall down and scrape their knee, only to start crying when he’s realized Mommy noticed? Same, same but different. They’re just looking for a reaction and you’re better than that. Do. Not. Engage. Avert your eyes and let the boys think they have Saturday. We know women are running the show all damn week.

Why do these young guns in the park ski without poles? And if they do, they use teeny miniature poles… I do not understand.
–Steve, Mammoth, CA

No idea. Why do tele skiers refuse to lock down their heels? Why are tall-Ts a trend? Who decided to wear their goggles under their helmet, but over their beanie? Why is the ratio in the chili bread bowl always too heavy on the bread? Why do Nordic skiers Nordic ski? Who are we to tell anyone they can’t ski as they please? Except for that tall-T. You look absolutely ridiculous.

I’ve been fired from my last three jobs because I skip work for powder days. How do I hold down a job and still get out to rip the blower?
–Sully, Breckenridge, CO

First off, screw you. I know someone like you and I’m the responsible one that has to miss double the pow days filling in for your no-call, no-show shifts. Seriously, I’d rather pay your welfare than have to pick up your slack. Don’t be such a snowflake. You cannot have your pow and rip it, too. That’s life. But secondly, I sympathize, so here’s some future workplace advice (assuming you are still considered employable):

Step 1: Call up a co-worker on the first storm day of the season and offer to cover for them so they can go rip. Now, they owe you.

Step 2: Learn that karma is a bitch and there is no way they’re ever paying you back. You just missed a pow day, bud. Joke is on you.
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Other trends we don’t understand: POV cameras, Fireball, unbuttoned jackets, crowdsourcing for established ski gear companies.