Jim Gaffigan: Skiing is insane

There’s still time to get in some winter sports. Just ask our Jim Gaffigan: 

Because I’m a great father, I took my family skiing last weekend.  Yes, it was expensive.  No, I don’t own an oil company. I’d rather not think about how much it cost me. I just hope some of my children don’t want to go to college.

This time I took my five-year-old skiing for the first time because, well, I guess didn’t want to like him any more. Five-year-olds on dry land are not that pleasant to be around; maybe I wanted to see how he behaves on snow and ice wearing boots roughly the size of milk crates. Let’s just say the magic carpet lost some of its magic! Who knew standing was going to be that hard for him?

In my five-year-old’s defense, skiing is insane. Prior to even awkwardly waddling to the chairlift, a complete and total wardrobe makeover must occur. Of course, you’ll need skis, but you also need special boots for those skis, and for no apparent reason poles that you just hold onto.

You’ll need different pants — can’t wear any of the pants you own! If you are getting pants, you might as well get a new ski coat. You don’t want to be seen skiing in a non-skiing coat. How embarrassing!

You will also need a helmet and goggles, ’cause you are skiing, but you might as well look like you are auditioning for the remake of “Top Gun.”

Skiing was obviously a rich person’s idea. Somebody probably looked at a mountain and thought, “Ho, that mountain’s beautiful. I’d love to ski down it. But can someone build a contraption that could carry me up to the top? I don’t want to hike right now. Now I want to ski!

“I want to be one with Nature but I don’t want to feel Nature. I want every inch of my body protected from Nature. I want to be out there with Nature.  But halfway up the mountain, I’d love to go to a coffee shop.'”

Skiing is really the only time you will see rich people wait in line. And believe me: they’re not happy about it!  Ski resorts actually have to hire someone to encourage people to take their turn.

Skiing is kind of a metaphor for being wealthy in America. By some twist of fate, you get transported to the top — and then you comfortably glide down, surrounded by luxury, avoiding small problems along the way.

“Oh, someone fell. Well, not my problem! Heh heh heh!”

Posted from CBS News via Facebook.

Are you trying to reach out to the millennials?  The NSAA Journal, Winter 2016 issue, published a chart which should help you understand millennials.  The chart was put together by the NSAA and RRC Millennial Study.

Millennials:

Are currently aged 21 to 36.

Are seekers of authentic experiences.

Are far more health conscious than the generations that came before them.

Have an affinity for high-quality “crafted” items (e.g., food, beer, axes).

Have a strong desire to feel connected to greater causes or communities.

Tend to be much more spontaneous in their travel purchase decisions.

Like to travel in social groups.

Like to be independent but in a group environment (think Starbucks lounges).

Are highly emotionally connected to their technology.

Value convenience and technology over personal interaction.

Are thrifty (deal seekers).

Are much more risk averse than their predecessors.

Have a deep fear of failure and embarrassment.

Are primed for the “idea” of outdoor adventure, but their reality of what this means Is much different from the traditional ideals.

Are not motivitated by the same aspirational nature to be the first/best/biggest that drove the Gen Y and Xers before them.

Are skiing and snowboarding far less by days than the older generations that came before them.

Hold the key to the future success of the ski industry.

This list gives some powerful insights into the psyche of a typical Millennial.

Excerpts from NSAA Journal/Winter 2016 Article “Growing Snowsports in the Age of the Millenial” by Hugh Reynolds

Ski season kicks off November 24, 2016, at Telluride Ski Resort, where there is something for everyone to enjoy both on and off the snow. ( Ben Eng/Telluride Ski Resort/TNS)

TELLURIDE, Colo. — A sapphire sky on a sunny day. The aroma of rich, creamy mushroom soup. Larmandier-Bernier Champagne chilling. Bon Vivant restaurant puts a luxurious twist on the skier’s outdoor picnic lunch — just one of the refined touches at Telluride Ski Resort, where the season kicks off Nov. 24.

Since I first skied here 20-plus years ago, the once rough-hewn edges have been polished to a fine sheen. The on-mountain food is among the best in the Rockies. And as of Dec. 17, new Great Lakes Airlines service from Denver makes it even easier to reach.

The mountain isn’t huge — just a little more than 2,000 skiable acres. But it still boasts more than its share of expert terrain, which was its original lure, while offering an abundance of intermediate and beginner runs as well.

Runs such as Spiral Stairs, Plunge and Power Line rise above the town and dare skiers to test their mettle on the double black-diamond pitches. When the resort opened in 1972, these were among the steepest runs in the Rockies. The above-tree-line runs on Black Iron Bowl and Palmyra Peak opened in the early 2000s, and they challenge even the most skilled skier.

The middle portion of the mountain is awash with superlative groomed runs. The Village Express and Polar Queen Express chairlifts serve acres of intermediate terrain, and the Sunshine Express lift provides access to some stellar family-fun and learning runs.

Polar Queen, Humboldt Draw and Silver Tip are just three of the trails that can easily fill up an afternoon of cruising.

The mountain’s terrain is clustered according to ability; it’s difficult for skiers to take a wrong turn and end up on a run that’s over their head.

The scenery is breathtaking from almost every run but especially on the aptly named See Forever, which traces the spine of the resort. The trail is skiable by an intermediate and shouldn’t be missed. The true test on this run is to find a place to stop at the side and take in the beauty without getting in the way of other skiers.

For a relatively small resort, visitors still have plenty of choices. There are two centers for lodging, meals and entertainment. At the base of the mountain is the town of Telluride; about 800 feet higher on the mountain is Mountain Village. Each has its own appeal.

Home to roughly 2,300 permanent residents, Telluride has all the flavor you’d expect from a town that’s been around since the 1870s. A walk along Main Street makes it easy to imagine what it was like at the height of the late 19th century mining boom.

Visitors can pause outside the Mahr Building and visualize the old San Miguel Valley Bank, the site of Butch Cassidy’s first bank robbery. Funky shops and restaurants are neighbors with the well-stocked, old-time hardware store.

Restaurants range from local hangouts like La Cocina de Luz (www.lacocinatelluride.com), serving superb Mexican food and margaritas, to the exquisite French cuisine of La Marmotte (www.lamarmotte.com), located in an old ice house.

The New Sheridan Hotel (www.newsheridan.com) has been open for nearly 125 years. The rooms, updated in 2008, make for a great marriage of history and comfort.

Designed with convenience in mind, Mountain Village is a cozy collection of excellent resort-style lodging and restaurants that are good but don’t measure up to the selection in town. Amenities differ among the properties; the 32-room boutique hotel Inn at Lost Creek was perfect for my needs (www.innatlostcreek.com).

What makes this sort of split personality work is the Mountain Village-Telluride gondola. Celebrating its 20th anniversary this month, the free gondola runs between the village and the town from 7 a.m. to midnight, eliminating the need to drive or take a taxi.

Perched on a ridge at the 10,550-foot midpoint of the gondola trip is the resort’s premier dining spot, Allred’s (www.tellurideskiresort.com/allreds). Huge windows deliver diners unparalleled views to go along with outstanding, locally sourced food and a fabulous wine list.

Those who wonder how skis are made should take the Wagner Custom Skis factory tour (www.wagnerskis.com), which plans to move from Placerville to Mountain Village later this year. Tours can be arranged by calling 970-728-0107.

“Golfers who are serious get their clubs sized specifically for them,” founder and owner Peter Wagner told our tour group. “I thought that would be a good idea for skis too.”

Although Wagner’s focus is on high-end, custom-made skis, the company also makes a line of rental skis available at Telluride facilities; inquire at the rental shop.

Ski resorts are becoming hot spots for distilleries, and Telluride is no exception. Telluride Distilling Co. (www.telluridedistilling.com) is just 10 minutes outside of town. It makes vodka from 100 percent sugar cane instead of grain or potatoes. The result is an ultra-smooth version of the old standby, perfect for a martini or bloody mary.

Combine a great mountain with a historic town, season with fine food and amenities, and you have the recipe for a ski resort that consistently is ranked among the best in North America.

My Palm Beach Post, November 16, 2016 – By Randall Weissman – Chicago Tribune